I appreciate a smile

28 January 6:00 p.m. update

Apologies for the delayed update today. Finn has needed me (and all of his local supporters) by his bedside for most of the day. He's starting to wake up and working really hard to breath on his own. He's making progress. He's coming off sedation which involves a whole lotta side effects and some pretty scary details. I'll spare you.

This morning, Finn completed an ERT (extubation readines test). He did well on the test, but I prefer to think of it as an assessment rather than a test. Test implies a "pass or a fail" result. Assessment means the team of gifted medical professional can better inform their plan for the day, after seeing the results. He did breath on his own for two hours during the test, but he was really working hard. The clear results of this assessment were that he needed more time to build strength and work with the machines. He's slated for another ERT tomorrow morning.

Kyle and I were on pins and needles as we prepared for the test. The moment the Respiratory Therapist turned down the machine I found myself wretching in the bathroom. I've never wretched like that before, but I guess the sakes have never been so high.

Finn has worked hard today, and he's making progress. He will have another ERT tomorrow morning between 0600-0800 ET. Please lift us up during that time. If nothing else, take a few deep breathes in Finn's honor. Send him oxygen rich breaths and imagine his entire lung rising and falling, filling full of beautiful air. I know your presence is with us, and we will really need your prayers, thoughts, words, and deeds tomorrow morning. Don't worry, I'll be sure let you know if I wretch again!

Right now the medical professionals are working to find the "sweet spot" as they wean him off sedation and adjust the ventilator settings. And, remember, he's still fighting a nasty virus. He's still got lots of junk in his lungs from the illness that put him here in the first place.

But, now, let's go to happy. Let's go to strength.

When Kyle was at The Basic School and we were engaged to be married, he would step outside his room to call as allowed. One of his friends joked that "Kyle was on post again," meaning that Kyle was standing outside of the barracks in the one little corner where he had cell phone signal. Another friend who overheard the joke about Kyle's post responded and said, "Yeah, but he loves, no, he really loves his fiance." So last night as Kyle and I sat together in the chapel, holding each and believing in Finn this memory came to mind. And we decided that we didn't just believe, but we really believed.

I appreciate a smile.

The professionals in the PICU speak a foreign language. Sometimes they translate. We had a pretty steep learning curve, but we seem to be tracking now. So, one of my favorite phrases the doctors and nurse use involves the word "appreciate." They don't use it like you and I use it. They use "appreciate" to me, "yes, I agree" or "yes, I've observed that and agree." But the first few times I heard it I thought is almost sounded condescending (because I was operating from my understanding of appreciate, not theirs).

This afternoon, with some of his very best people at his bedside Finn smiled. Earlier this week, when a little fear and despair found it's way in I wondered if I would ever see Finn smile again. And, just hours ago, while lots of love on his side, Finn smiled. I confidently looked at the nurse and said, "Susan, I appreciate a smile." She chuckled a bit, looked at me and said "Yes, I appreciate a smile." And then there were tears of joy.

Appreciate your smiles, folks.

I'll leave you with this, another bit of encouragement I've received in the last few days . . .  "You never know how strong you are until strong is the only choice you have."